We put up our Christmas decorations. I didn’t really want to. Well, actually I didn’t want to at all. I dreaded it, but like most everything, it had to be done. It wouldn’t be fair to my son if we didn’t carry on like usual. My mother said tonight that it takes courage, but I told her it doesn’t. The sun comes up every day and so I have to get up, but thank God it does and thank God I have a son that needs his breakfast. I am grateful that I don’t have a choice.

What is troubling me the most right now is a thought that occurred to me slowly today. I think it started with a friends email. She used the word cruel to describe what I am going through. When I read it, it was the most appropriate word I could think of. I can admit that looking lately, the whole thing does often feel like a cruel joke. Not a joke that anyone played on me. I am not angry at anyone. I have no one to be angry at. But, all the preparation, all the joy, all the happiness that this pregnancy brought to me and to my family with an outcome of….nothing. Even to me that word sounds harsh. Nothing. I don’t mean that she was nothing. She was everything. She was perfect. She is my daughter. She was created by God and known by God. I truly believe that with all my heart and I know that I will be with her again….just not here. Not ever in this world, and I guess this world and the reality of my life now is what has been on my mind and in this world the word “nothing” does apply. It is harsh and so is my reality. It is awful. It is terrible. It is awful that I think of her every second some days. Everyone keeps telling me to keep thinking of her, but when I looked at her picture tonight, I wondered why. Why? It is not like there are memories of her that are wonderful. In reality, my memories are a living nightmare. What I went through was a nightmare. I have said before I would do anything asked of me when it comes to my children and I did. I will. It’s not that. It’s like I have no past with her that I can cling to. Each book has a beginning and an end, and as a believer I know that the end we see is no kind of end at all, but there is an end to this reality and it is death. So what is this experience then? The beginning was the end and there was no middle and I am left here with nothing but to try to have hope for a future on this earth that will never have her in it. How cruel is that? Not for her. She has something greater than any of us can know and if I was a part of that then I gratefully gave it. The cruel joke seems to be on me.