My husband thought it would be best to get out of town for a little bit. My son is just like his dad. He is always up for something new so they have been very excited. I feel like I am just going through the motions though. I am just so sad. I almost feel numb. So numb that I barely even have the energy to talk at times. I just sort of walk behind them. When they smile, I smile with them but it doesn't come from very far inside. This is making me so sad too. Generally, I am one of the happiest people I know. I am always smiling and my smile comes from deep inside. I love my life so much. All of it. Every part of my every day makes me feel accomplished and helpful and joyful....but right now it feels like I am struggling just to see glimpses of that old feeling. Tiny sparks of it in my heart. I just pray that those sparks will slowly ignite the fire that was me and burn away that numbness that I feel like it is slowly killing who I was. More than anything, i don't want that. I want to be the mother she would have known. I want to be stronger and even more joyous than before so that when I see her again, I can give my whole self to her.