On Saturday we took down her crib. I can't tell you how I did it. I would be lying if I told you I did not take one of the Valiums that I left the hospital with, but that doesn't ease the pain. It just gave me the tiny bit of strength I needed to just start, but once I started, I was somehow able to continue. I had planned exactly what I would keep and what I would give away. I only made two changes. One is that I kept her crib. My son still uses his as a toddler bed, so we had bought a very small crib for her knowing that we wanted her in our room for several months. It was plain and black. We didn't decorate it with bumpers and bedding. Just a single pink sheet waiting for my baby to come home. I had planned on giving it to a charity so that another baby could use it now instead of me saving it for who knows when, but for some reason I decided I wanted it. If we have other children will it be a comfort to get out that familiar crib, or will I be too scared to be reminded of the terrible loss to put it up once more? I don't know, but I realized that I will know clearly when that time comes. I gave away all the clothes that I had purchased or were purchased just for her. The ones that I had out, folded in drawers waiting for her arrival. I don't want to get attached to things because my ache is for her. I only want reminders of the life that was, not what life could have been. Her monogrammed sweater and hat, I kept and a blanket to hold on to. Other than those clothes, I was ready to summarily put them all in a storage tote to go, until I saw one little pink dress. It was bought for her by one of my students. I loved it so the day he gave it to me. The card simply read, "I wish her to be like her mother". It made me cry and it certainly makes me cry now. So when I saw it, I stopped. I realized that someday, someday I might have another daughter and I just might give her the dress that belonged to her sister. I realized that maybe that would not hurt as much as it seems it would looking from where I am now. It might be beautiful. I know clearly that my son will always have a sister and my husband and I will always have a daughter. I saw her, I held her still warm from my body. She was mine. She is mine.