I woke up today with my son in the middle of my husband and myself as usual. I was able to sleep...I have been able to sleep. I am not sure how. Maybe its the pain medicine I am still on or maybe it is sheer emotional exhaustion or maybe, and this is my hope, it is some peace in my heart. If it is peace, it is shattered as soon as I wake up. I open my eyes and roll over and see her crib.
I know that today is the day I picked to put many of her things away. I have thought carefully about what I will keep, what will be be displayed in our house, who I will give her things to, but the reality of folding up those tiny clothes - the clothes I unwrapped from their their beautiful packages at her shower and dreamed of putting her in - hits so hard. I grabbed the tiny pink and green blanket that I have been sleeping with and held it tight. I closed my eyes again and thought for a slit second of waking my son up. Just to feel some life. But I know I can't use him to feel my void, I can only be grateful for his presence that helps me through each day. So, instead, I held her blanket and began to pray. To pray for myself. To put the parts of verses and comments and wishes whispered in my ear from from friends together into thoughts for myself until I could get out of bed...knowing that I will get through today...like I did yesterday...like I will tomorrow. I know there will be some joy today, some tears, but the sadness of not having that life inside of me, or outside of me, that loss of the hope I had in her, my baby girl, will be present all this day.