I wake up with this overwhelming anxiety every day. I’m not sure where it comes from. Even if my son gets up to go to the bathroom, panic is already coursing through my veins. I heard once that when you sleep your mind tries to make sense of whatever is troubling you in your life. If that’s the case, then no wonder I wake up with this intense mind numbing anxiety. It’s hard to function when that is how your day starts.

This weekend, we went out of town. It was okay but I found little joy in experiencing anything new. It was just like me, struggling with the same things I struggle with anywhere, walking around in a different place. The hardest part about being out of the house is seeing all the strollers. I walk along with my son and my husband and I see another family with a son about my son’s age. They look the same as us but with one huge difference. They have a stroller. I can’t even stop myself from glimpsing inside the half pulled cover to see the little blankets with a pink hot dotting the top. A newborn. Out with her new family. In many ways we are actually the same family. We just had a baby too. I am a new mom too. I just gave birth. But in reality we are the exact opposite. Changed in the complete opposite way. They push their sleeping baby around in a stroller. I carry mine so heavy in my heart. They wake up to their baby’s cries. I wake up to my own tears. They have the joy of recently bringing a baby home from the hospital. I have an urn.