Today was my darling baby's original due date. I had no idea how I would feel today an i'm still not sure as this day is slowly ending. One thing I can say is that it is still undelievable to me that we are wherre we are right now. I teared up last night talking to my husband before we went to bed. All the months of excitement and joy. And now this. It almost seems surreal at this point that her death even happened. And where does all that joy go? How can I find peace with such an unimaginable loss? The lyrics to one of my favorite Mumford and Sons songs keep running through my head.
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be"
In some ways I think love is the key. True unbridled love for her is the only was that I will be set free from the pain. I have to let my love for her override the way that her life ended on this earth and the pain that is has caused me. Every day that I had with her was happiness for me. Every day I lived with love fer her in my heart. I loved her when she was born. I love her each day as if she is still coming....because she is. The difference is that with each day now I am coming closer to her. I know that I can't live my life with fear or with anger because of this tragedy. Not only would it not be fair to my family, to myself or the faith that I live by, but it wouldn't be fair to her. I can't let the event of giving her what turned out to be not life on this earth but life eternal, ruin me. Life is a gift and I gave that to her. When I can look at it correctly, I can see that I was not betrayed just because I did not get what I expected with the birth of a child....no one promised me anything. It was my own expectation. The only way that I can let this experience enrich me and not hinder me is by accepting that loving her despite what happened will allow God to continue the good work that he started in me.
